The Tribulations of Underwear
by silverelf1
Summary: Last time, on The Insanity That is Alix's Mind, we learned what happened when Aragorn changed his name to Pants. This time we will find out about the mishaps that occur when Gandalf decides to go by Underwear.
1. Default Chapter

Rivendell was back to its old peaceful self. Aragorn no longer insisted upon being called Pants, Frodo was on the mend, and everything else was just fine and dandy. Or so they all thought. * * * * * The Fellowship of the Ring set out from Rivendell, ready to brave the dangers of the long, hard road to Mordor. Spirits were high, touchy- feeliness was running rampant, and songs, while rather more solemn than those of Middle-earth normally were, were often sung round the fire at night. But all was not right in this merry band of mostly attractive males. For let it be known that Saruman was actually correct when he had suggested that the pipe-weed habit was taking its toll on Gandalf, despite the fact that he had said it half-jokingly. Gandalf's wits were not as sharp as they once had been, although there were no outward signs of his impairment, except perhaps that he kept insisting on showing everyone his pointy hat trick. Then, one beautiful New Zeal-, erm, Middle-earth day, something went horribly wrong. The members of the Fellowship were sitting round the fire, having their customary bit of after supper-weed. Merry and Pippin, ever inseparable, were having an animated discussion with Merry's friend Mr. Carrot, who, you may be interested to learn, was not much of a talker. Legolas was instructing Boromir and Aragorn on the proper way to wash and brush their hair, for, as he put it, "Men's sanitary habits are atrocious!" Sam was watching while Frodo, who hadn't smoked much weed before, slept peacefully, his androgynously attractive features lit perfectly by the firelight. Gimli was raving on to a barely conscious Gandalf about the benefits of being about waist height to Men and Elves. Then Gandalf, being rather high and also an old perv in robes (A/N: just kidding, I wuv Gandalf!), decided he had an announcement to make. "My dear sirs and madams- nope, just sirs, although with those beardless ones you can never really tell. Anyway, I would just like to tell you all that from now on I wish to be known as Underwear." Chuckles would not normally have ensued, but the Fellowship was completely stoned. They giggled. ("Why Boromir, you have such a manly giggle," Legolas purred. "Why Pippin, you sound exactly like a little girl!" Merry squealed girlishly.) They all woke up with horrendous hangovers the next morning, but vaguely remembered that they were supposed to be walking in the general direction of Mordor and continued on their way. At some point they had to stop for food, as they couldn't possibly have been carrying much in their packs, so they made a quick run to their local Ingelves Food Mart to pick up some necessities. ("Legolas, Elf shampoo is *NOT* a necessity!") When Gandalf went to pay, the cashier asked him for some I.D., as he was going to be purchasing quite a large quantity of weed. "So, what's your name?" the cashier asked him. "I'm Underwear the Gray," he answered, having no idea where the name had come from. "Gee, I *REALLY* didn't need to know that. How long have you been on the road, anyway? And why in Eru's name didn't you just stop at a freakin' Laundromat?" asked the poor befuddled man, who thought Gandalf had said, "My underwear is gray." "Eh, so sorry, I meant that I am Gandalf the Gray; that just sort of slipped out there. Here, let me give you some I.D." The cashier eyed him suspiciously as Gandalf, now known as Underwear, handed him his Official Wizard Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown! Members card. With the shopping trip finished (after Legolas, pouting all the while, bought his own Elf shampoo), the Fellowship continued on its merry way. "So, Underwear," Gimli inquired, "Is it really gray?" "What the Morgoth are you talking about, young man?" (A/N: Well, I suppose just about anyone would seem young to Gandalf. I mean Underwear.) "Well, you just told the cashier back there that your underwear was gray." "That is *NOT* what I said! I said, 'I'm Underwear the Gray'!" "So that's what you're going to have us call you, then?" Boromir asked. "*NO!* Well, actually, it does kinda have a Ring to it. hmm, 'Underwear the Gray.' I like it!" Gand- UNDERWEAR cackled. A/N: And so ends chapter one of "The Tribulations of Underwear." Please r&r. The more reviews I get, the happier I will be, and the more quickly I will continue. ;) 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Ah, finally I'm actually writing another chapter of this story! I've missed my Underwear! The Fellowship, continuing on its cheery way, had a string of bad luck and was forced to journey through the mines of Moria. One day Pippin, ever curious as a cat, knocked a skeleton into a well and awakened evil things from the dark, deep places of the earth. "Peregrin Took, you foolish little boy! What have you got for brains? Dirty undies?" Underwear shouted at poor Pippin. "That's rich coming from someone called Underwear the Gray!" cried Merry, always ready to defend his friend from Underwear's scorn. "Why, if I were 1,000 years younger and still as good as I used to be in the Wizard Wrestling Entertainment league, you'd have a lot to answer for, m'boy!" Underwear roared. "SHUT UP! All of you! Don't you know there are foul things in the dark places of the earth? And THEY'RE COMING TO GET US!!!!" the Aragorn formerly known as Pants yelled. The Fellowship stopped arguing and beat the crap out of the goblins and their *STUPID CAVE TROLL!* Ahem. Sam especially was enjoying whacking them over the head with his cookery. Well, after their adversaries had been defeated, the Fellowship discovered that there was a Balrog intent on cooking them for dinner and ran like the wind to the bridge of Khazad-Dûm. "Take the others and get them out of here!" Underwear yelled to the Aragorn formerly known as Pants. Aragorn obliged and they all scurried toward the exit from the mines. Underwear, meanwhile, was (*music from a certain somewhat irritating pop song plays*) standing on the bridge, waiting in the dark, as he thought that the Balrog would be there by then. (*music stops*) The Balrog finally showed up, walking cockily with his little fiery ensemble. Underwear was not impressed. "By the power invested in me by the state of Middle Earth, I, Underwear the Gray, now pronounce that YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Underwear bellowed. "Underwear the Gray? That's a good one!" howled the Balrog. "You think my name is funny? I am the great and powerful UNDERWEAR THE GRAY!" (Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.) The Balrog fell over giggling, accidentally rolling off the bridge. Underwear began to walk away, but at the last moment his ankle was caught by the Balrog's whip and he was dangling off the bridge, barely able to hold on. Then, in his best imitation of the Wicked Witch of the West, Underwear shouted to the Fellowship, "Fly! Fly!! FLY!!! FLY!!!!" The Fellowship did just that. Terribly upset that they had lost their Underwear, they trudged sadly off to Lothlorien. When they arrived, they were accosted by a band of asexually attractive Elves led by Haldir, who said, "The dwarf breathes so loudly we could have shot him in the ass." The Fellowship was led to the heart of Lorien, where they were permitted to have an audience with Galadriel and Celeborn. Galadriel's hypnotic beauty had them all mesmerized, and her resonant voice captivated them as she spoke. "Eight there are yet nine set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is Gandalf the Gray?" asked Celeborn. "He has fallen into shadow," replied Galadriel, who had the gift of the Sight. "Yes, ma'm, we lost our Underwear in the mines of Moria," Frodo explained. A look of disgust crossed the faces of the Lorien Elves. "My dear boy, we have dressmakers and tailors to take care of those needs; it was not necessary to tell the Lord and Lady of Lothlorien," Haldir said with a sneer. "You don't understand, our Underwear fell into shadow with the Balrog," Aragorn declared. "I don't care how you lost it, your underwear is no concern of mine or my husband's!" Galadriel exclaimed. The Fellowship looked desperate. "No, no, no, we're not talking about -erp- undergarments, we're talking about the one who led us on our journey and who is now gone," Legolas elucidated. Confusion flashed in the eyes of the other Elves. "Legolas, you're an Elf! I thought you of all the Fellowship would know when enough has been said concerning your underclothes!" cried Celeborn. "And are you mad? How the Morgoth could underwear lead you anywhere? It's an inanimate object!" The Fellowship gave up and looked dejected. After a few moments of silence, Galadriel spoke again. "There, now that you're through discussing your underclothing, we can get down to business." She talked for several minutes before the members of the Fellowship were led to their sleeping quarters. Frodo, lying on his stomach and chewing on a piece of grass, sighed despondently. "I miss Underwear," he said. "Me too," replied Sam. "Me three," added Merry. "I think we all miss our Underwear," Aragorn lamented. One of the Lorien Elves, who also happened to be a fine maker of clothing, was standing nearby and accidentally overheard all this. He did not like for anyone to be sad, and he thought he would be able to help these poor souls. He ran off to his home where he had quite a few boxes of underwear stored. Most of it was too large or too small for the Elves, as most of them were far too slender to fit into the larger underwear, and there hadn't been any elven children in many years to fit into the smaller underwear. The elven tailor thought that he might be able to give the larger underwear to the Men and the Dwarf and the smaller underwear to the Hobbits. He also grabbed a few pairs of normal elvish-sized underwear so as not to leave poor Legolas out. Returning to the little party several minutes later, he stood in the center of their camp. "Good sirs, my name is Amrod Culnámo, and I have brought you some underwear!" he said excitedly. The Fellowship, instantly reminded that they no longer had Gandalf/ Underwear with them, began to cry. Poor Amrod thought that these were tears of joy, and he passed the underwear he had brought out to the Fellowship. "No need to thank me, boys; I know how much you wanted some new underwear," Amrod made the mistake of saying. The Fellowship cried harder. Amrod, growing ever more uncomfortable, left quietly as the Fellowship lay on the ground, sobbing over their new underclothes. ***** After a few days of rest in Lothlorien, the Fellowship set out to continue their quest to Mordor, heading down the Anduin in canoes. A/N: And thusly ends Chapter 2 of "The Tribulations of Underwear." I do hope you liked it. Please r&r. ;) 


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